By Michael Aun, Special Columnist to St. Cloud In The News

http://www.aunline.com

Global Warming?  Are you kidding me? 

So here I am at a business meeting in sunny south Florida at the Marco Island Marriott freezing my buns off. 

It is actually colder on this January day on the southwest tip of Florida than it was in Anchorage, Alaska.  Go figure.  Al Gore might have actually been a tad off on that whole global warming thing.

I moved to Florida in 1989 because I got tired of coming here.  It seemed that 80% of my speaking engagements were taking place in central and southern Florida so I simply decided to move here.  My goal in life is to sleep with my wife at night and that seemed to be a great first step, i.e. live where you work.

That first year I moved here it was the last time it was this cold.  There was freezing rain and snow on the ground that Christmas, leading me to question whether it was the “weather” that helped me to decide to move.  Not!

We are fond of saying, if you do not like the weather here in Florida, stick around a few minutes; it is bound to change.  But 40 to 50 degree water in the Gulf of Mexico?  Give me a break.

Here I am walking on the beach when some fool from Minnesota comes rushing by me on his way to hop into the Gulf of Mexico, said to be a balmy 40 degrees today.  It has been said that New Yorkers turn on the heat and Minnesotans plant a garden.  Californians shiver uncontrollably; Minnesotans sunbathe.

At 32 degrees, distilled water freezes.  At 30 degrees you can see your breath.  At 29 degrees you plan your Florida vacation while politicians pretend to care about the homeless.  Minnesotans eat ice cream.

At 25 degrees, water freezes in Boston and Californians openly weep.  At 20 degrees, folks that live in the all-time oxymoron city, “Greater Cleveland,” set the lake on fire.  San Franciscans think favorably about Los Angeles.  Green Bay Packer fans put on a T-shirt.

When it hits 15 degrees in Chicago, the folks who planned that Florida vacation just keep on flying and end up in Cancun because the peninsula is so cold that it might break off and float away from the upper 47.

At 10 degrees back in the Twin Cities, you break out the jumper cables to get the car going.  Over in New York, landlords finally turn the heat on when the temperature hits zero, but monitor it closely until it gets to minus five degrees.

Meanwhile, back in Green Bay, Packer fans, fresh off getting beat in the highest scoring game in playoff history, decide to stay shirtless and go sunbathing after ice skating.  Now they can actually hear their breath.  Matter of fact, you can cut it and use it as an igloo. 

By the time it is minus 15 degrees, Minnesotans kick off the flagpole licking contests.  Now you need a jumper cable to start the driver and foreign cars just do not start at all.

At minus 25 degrees, it is actually too cold to kiss, but the Minnesota Twins still head for spring training as the locals decide to shovel snow off the roof before it caves in.

At minus 38 degrees, Mercury freezes, it is too cold to think and Minnesotans button a top button.  At minus 40, they put on a sweater and at minus 50 they close the bathroom window.

At minus 60, the Green Bay Packers move their practices indoors and fans put gloves away and put on mittens.  Minnesotans replace their diving boards with hockey nets and consider migrating to Wisconsin, pulling down their earflaps before leaving town.

At minus 173 degrees, ethyl alcohol freezes and at minus 452 and helium becomes a liquid.  At minus 450 Minnesotans reach their absolute zero tolerance as drivers drop below 90 miles per hour on I-90 and local incumbent politicians renounce a campaign contribution.

And I have the nerve to complain about cold water in the Gulf of Mexico in Marco Island, Florida, eh?